Meta Research Bulletin ©2006

Astronomy loses "major science" status, says World Science Federation

[**** For immediate release] GENEVA (AP) January 25, 1999 -- In a surprising announcement, the World Science Federation said today that the field of astronomy will no longer be recognized as a major science along with the likes of physics and chemistry. Instead it is being reclassified as a "trans-earth auxiliary scientific pursuit" according to a new taxonomy laid down by the WSF, the international scientific community's governing body.

            "This is a painful issue that we've been grappling with for some time," said Dr. Jean-Sven Johansson, president of the WSF. "The study of the heavens has been considered a science since prehistoric times. But if it were just discovered today, with all we've learned in the intervening millennia, there's no way we would categorize astronomy as a major science. It is too soft, too based on speculative theories, and too far removed from the everyday world."

            "[The reclassification] is a difficult but ultimately correct decision," read a supporting statement from the United States Council of Scientists. "While we are sympathetic for practitioners of astronomy, we believe that the sanctity of science demands a more rigorous test for inclusion than merely a few centuries of tradition."

            The news is a bitter pill for astronomers to swallow. For years they have endured derision from their colleagues in the so-called 'hard' sciences of physics, chemistry, and mathematics. Only recently had astronomers believed they'd earned a measure of overdue respect from the broader community of scholars. Stunning discoveries from the Hubble Space Telescope, plus new theories on the origins of the universe, had put astronomy into the forefront of public consciousness.

            The WSF's announcement changes all that. While astronomy will still be studied in schools and research institutions, its practitioners may no longer refer to themselves as "scientists". No future Ph.D. degrees may be conveyed by accredited universities of science. However, a grandfather clause allows current doctoral students to complete their studies and earn degrees within 18 months.

            Perhaps the most significant changes are in matters of protocol when scientists meet. Astronomers will still be permitted to attend academic gatherings, but they must defer to official scientists in lectures, workshops, and buffet lines. They must also refrain from displaying items that identify themselves as scientists, such as t-shirts or vanity license plates.

            Reaction to the WSF's announcement among astronomers was a mixture of disappointment and outrage. "I am very saddened by this decision," said Dr. Velikov Vonk, noted planetologist and author of the seminal paper 'On Renaming the Big Bang to Something More Dignified.' "Astronomers have added much to the rich history of science and to our understanding of the universe around us. I pray the WSF will reconsider."

            "It is disheartening, but not altogether unexpected," added Arpad Arkabaranan, a researcher at the University of New Jersey. "Rumors have been circulating throughout the scientific community for several months. Personally, I find it the pedantic act of a self-important panel. It accomplishes little more than fostering confusion among schoolchildren and requiring countless textbooks and encyclopedias to be rewritten, all for the sake of purity of nomenclature. Does the WSF not have any more important issues to worry about?"

            Other astronomers accepted the news with less equanimity. "Who died and left them boss?" fumed William McGilly, a propulsion engineer with NASA's Goddard Research Center. "I wonder what science is next on their hit list. If I were an anthropologist or a geologist or a cosmetologist, I'd be putting together my resume quickly."

            Dr. Johansson points out that astronomy has not been kicked out of the scientific club entirely. Rather, it will become "auxiliary scientific pursuit #1", the first in a new category of demi-sciences under the WSF's revised hierarchy. "We will rename astronomy as 'trans-earth studies' to reflect its new status," says Johansson. "We believe that after the disappointment fades, astronomers will be proud and excited to act as the trailblazers in this exciting new arena."

            Still, the WSF's announcement could not have come at a worse time to a field that was felt it was close to turning the corner. Notable breakthroughs in coming years would have included the Mars Lander, the International Space Station, and the much-anticipated results of a joint Canadian and Japanese task force to develop a pronunciation of Uranus that would not make high school students giggle. ("That was going to be huge for us," says Vonk forlornly.)

            The new classification takes effect on April 1st, giving astronomers precious little time to solve what might be their last problem as scientists. For years, English-speaking children have been taught the phrase 'My very earnest mother just served us nine pickles' to remember the names of the nine planets in order. ('My' stands for Mercury, 'very' for Venus, etc.) If astronomers downgrade Pluto to a minor solar object as planned, possibly as their final act before losing their own official status, a new mnemonic will be necessary. The solution has eluded astronomers and linguists from around the globe.

            Ponders Arkabaranan: "My very earnest mother just served us....nutmeg? Nachos? New England Clam Chowder? Oh, poop! Give us time, we'll think of something."

             [Author Joachim Verhagen thanks R.A. Lafferty for his assistance in this story, which was based on the rumor that the IAU declared that Pluto was not a planet in January 1999. The IAU later denied this. It had only added Pluto to the list of trans-Neptunian objects. However, on 24 August 2006, Pluto was officially declared a dwarf planet, along with Eris – a story we carried in our previous issue – making this spoof again apropos. – ed.]

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